literature

MST: It Matters To Me: ch 1

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Literature Text

Teatime: Welcome back! I hope that break was long enough to try again, Mars.

Mars: No. No amount of time is ever enough.

Teatime: Oh, don't be so down on yourself! We haven't gotten to witness the stupid in all of its unholy glory yet! Now, let's do this already!


The path through the forest was long and winding.

Teatime: What an incredible description. These scenes just come to life, here!

Mars: With any luck, she's in the Lost Woods and become a spooky scary skeleton.


An occasional signpost marked the way to Konhoa.

Teatime: So...was there anything else in the forest? Like, oh, I dunno...bugs? Bird sounds? Twigs, rocks, fallen leaves? No? Just the occasional signposts that only mark the way to Konhoa? Okay.

Mars: Were there trees in the forest? Like, I'd think that a forest would have trees. What, is this forest made entirely of signs or something?


I walked along,

Teatime: Then for all we know, you weren't following the signs at all and will miss Konhoa completely! YAY! WE SAVED CANON CHARACTERS!

Mars: Fuckity bye! *Begins to leave*

Teatime: *drags Mars backward by the ear*

Mars: Noooooooooooo!!!!


wrapped up in my jacket despite it being a hot day...because the special fabric suppressed my body heat signature, making me invisible to both other travelers and...less savory creatures.

Teatime: not only are there about a billion ways to better write that, it was absolutely unnecessary. We learned nothing about the character, apart that she must *thunderclap* CONSTANTLY LOOK OVER HER SHOULDER FOR FEAR OF BEING ATTACKED!

Mars: So she just has a invisibility cloak or something? Can ninjas even do that in Naruto?

Teatime: Ten seconds of Google says that there IS a 'Cloak of Invisibility technique, but it's neither used the same way nor used for the same purposes. Now, it IS possible to erase your chakra signature, but it's supposedly incredibly difficult to hide your HEAT signature, so I'm just gonna slap a DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH point here.

DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 2


There's no other way to put it: Spending a hurried two minutes pulling Konhoa leeches off of you and then spending hours cleaning their slime off your things is NOT a fun pastime.

Teatime: Having had to clean your slime off of my precious Naruto volumes, I can relate. Also, it's really ok to use italics. Just saying.

Mars: But pressing CTRL:I is soooo hard!


Admittedly, I was tired. I had not slept in over three days, was running for four, and hadn't eaten in two. I ran into a rainstorm on my way here, and so by now I was NOT in the best mood.

Teatime: *stunned* she...she didn't just emphasize 'not'...the same way...twice in as many sentences, did she?

Also: I get that you're trying to make your character 'oh, so badass!' by trying to feed us this idea she can run and fight for four straight days without eating or sleeping, but first of all, she has a powerful demon spirit (I'm going to rant more about this later) with her. Can she really not afford to catch even three or four hours of sleep? A quick power nap? A couple drinks? How does she even know they're still chasing her?

The fact that it's the RAINSTORM that makes her mad (rather than being hunted down like an animal) has not escaped me. You're making your 'oh so badass!' Sue look and sound like a petulant child, author.

Mars: Demon...? Oh lordy.

Teatime: Oh, we'll get to THAT as early as next chapter.


In fact, the only thing that could cheer me up now was a nice long chapter of...

Teatime: Ithadbetternotbeichaichaithadbetternotbeichaicha

Mars: A lemon scene from her fanfic?


Damn. I knew I forgot something.

Teatime: *with absolutely no emotion or gestures* oh. Damn. She does the classic Sue/Kakashi by having them both love porn novels. How original. Excuse me while I rage.

Mars: *Puts on heavy body armor*


In all my zeal to leave the outpost town I was staying in when a bunch of missing-nin picked up my scent, I had forgotten my extra kunai holster. And half of my money. And...Make-Out Paradise.
Now I REALLY felt like punching something.

Teatime: Jesus, Sue, priorities! I'm pretty sure that money and weapons--ESSENTIAL FOR YOUR SURVIVAL--are more worth punching something over.

Mars: Yes, your easily replaceable porn is more important than living.


Something jolted me out of my thoughts.

Teatime: God dammit, Raichu! It wasn't lethal enough!

Mars: Rotom, help her out please!


I realized that by now I should have run into a patrol team, or at least seen signs of one. And I was alone, but...There were no animal sounds.

Mars: Well no shit there's no animal sounds! The entire forest is made of signs and full of signs! No room for animals.

I whirled around to look behind me...and was greeted with the sight of a fifteen-foot long python.
THAT might have something to do with the lack of bird sounds...

Teatime: If this turns out to be a reference to Orochimaru coming in later, which I THINK it is, I'm going to belt Mars one right in the face.

Mars: And I'm gonna belt everyone else one. Especially YOU, Abei!


I laughed a bit shakily, and reholstered my kunai. It's true that you should be careful, but I was just being silly.
I came to a clearing...and halted. Before me stood the gates of Konhoagakure, the Village Hidden in the Leaves. So familiar...and yet...

Teatime: Let me guess: 'I've never felt so far from home?'

I've never felt further from home.

Mars: DING DING DING. Bullshit alarm be going off, mate!

I inhaled deeply, summoned my courage, and prepared to face all that I've left behind...all the things I tried to forget.

Teatime: Y'know, Sue, if you really DID want to leave Konhoa behind forever (but we both know you're coming back to bone Kakashi) you could, oh, I dunno--NOT COME BACK TO KONHOA ON THE OFF CHANCE YOUR PARENTS MIGHT NOT BE ANTICIPATING THIS AND PLAN ACCORDINGLY?!

*explodes*

Mars: Clean up on aisle three! Anyway, she's seems to be acting like an impulsive teenager, and if she is, then I'm gonna scream because I'm sure Kakkashi is like, middle aged and shit. Sigh... let's get on with it...
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SharpClawPokemon's avatar
A demon is inside her? Oh fuck, not THIS shit again...

*Sends out :icongalvantulaplz: to assist*

And what do you mean "belt" us?